When you grow up conditionally loved (If you get good grades, we will love you. If you help wash the dishes, we will love you more. If you marry someone from another religion, we will disown you), you have an adult fantasy. The shape of the fantasy is the same no matter the varying conditions prescribed in exchange for love. For someone, someday, to love you unconditionally and show up fully for you.
Since our psyches are smart (or not), the top preference is to have this fantasy about someone who actually has their own conditions. One who has not been taught to love without conditions and therefore does not have the capacity to love another in that soft-blanket-like manner. Bonus points if this someone has similar characteristics to the someone who could only love our child versions conditionally. So, the someone in the fantasy is often an ex who blocked you or an unrequited love of some sort.
The most significant question my therapist has ever asked me about a breakup was, “What did you feel or get from that relationship? And how can you give these things to yourself?” This not only gave me the agency I needed, but it also brought it all back to me. Anything I pine for from the outside is something I’ve still not learned to give myself.
This principle applies to the unconditional love fantasy as well. So, the question ultimately coils down to “How can I fully show up for myself unconditionally? And where am I not showing up in this way?”
If the fantasy is that someone chases us down, even when we keep running, maybe you need to show up for your feelings with a journal every day. I often tell my clients, “You need to keep saying the truth to yourself until you believe it to be true.” Or in my case, I need to show up for bedtime early and consistently every day, even if I don’t always fall asleep gracefully and on time.
Maybe the upside of grief is that it makes us more independent. More adaptable to external changes as we learn to find our most reliable anchors on the inside.
