One guy I dated has a common name like mine. Actually, his exact name is not that common, but there are lots of derivatives of it. So, I see these derivatives everywhere: in books, in movies, on storefront signs, and on social media.
Some months I see the derivatives frequently. Correction: I notice the derivatives more. Other months, I don’t notice them much. Even when I’ve not been thinking about him much, out of nowhere, his name’s derivative ambushes me, and my heart skips a beat or two, not too many, though.
If you Google why you see someone’s name everywhere, blogs with a spiritual leaning would say that there’s unfinished business or the other person is thinking of you. On the other hand, our brain’s Reticular Activating System (RAS) uses existing beliefs and assumptions to filter the data points we notice out in the world. So, I might also be thinking about him subconsciously for my RAS to spot the derivatives so much.
As a coach, I also know that we can make any meaning out of our experiences. And none of us can be sure beyond a doubt of what the “correct” meaning is, if there is even such a thing as a right and wrong meaning. I often tell my clients, “Beliefs are neither good nor bad. The more important distinction is whether a belief is helpful to you or not.”
Having seen the damn derivatives on my way to the beach one day, I sat down cross-legged on my beach mat and drew my cozy pink blanket over my shoulders. What was the most helpful interpretation of seeing his name everywhere? What would help me the most to keep him in the ex zone? I pondered as the waves did their rounds, the wind picked up its pace, and families retired back to their homes. One of my mentors had once said, “Never let a good trigger go to waste.”
I decided this was the most helpful meaning-making for me: The derivatives are reminding me to forgive myself, although he cannot and will not forgive me for the way I left him. A sign that I can go deeper in my healing and self-compassion, without waiting for another’s permission.
It’s as simple and as complicated as that. Now, when I see these derivatives, I place my hand on my heart and go inwards instead of outwards.
