5 Lessons I Learned By Being Nice To A Mean Lady

I am a volunteer responder for a crisis center phone line. This is a story of trying my best to remain patient when a caller is mean without a comprehensible reason.

8 pm on a Friday evening. I picked up the phone and asked, “Hello! How are you doing today?” My normal greeting in my neutral tone.

“This is a distress line. How do you think people who call are doing?” A not-so-normal response.

Read people from the first hello. Be present to what their tone sounds like. Are they smiling and in a good mood? You can tell by the first hello if you are present.

Lesson 1

“Oh! I’m sorry I asked you that question. Do you want to tell me about what’s going on with you?”

She was 70 years. Her nurses weren’t helping her as she thought fit. But she couldn’t fire them as well, because she had no one else to hire. She reminded me of my stubborn but beloved grandma, who turned blind the latter half of her life and did not get along with the help she had.

“I see that you’re really frustrated here and you’re feeling trapped.” My empathy statement to validate her struggle.

“Are you on your coffee break? You seem so disinterested in what I’m saying.”

Where did that come from?

“No, I’m not on my coffee break. I just started my shift here. I’m sorry you felt that I was not interested. I am listening to you,” I responded after recovering.

She insisted that I was disinterested.

“I assure you that I’m interested in what you have to say. Maybe it’s just how I talk, and you felt that way. I’m sorry about it,” I smiled, alluding to my passive baritone, self-advocated to be soothing when answering calls from distressed callers.

“What’s funny?”

No rapport-building with her. I was at a loss of what to say. “Nothing is funny. I’m sorry I smiled at my own voice - the fact that it sounded disinterested and passive even when I’m interested,” was all I could manage. Thirty-five-year-old me went back to kneeling in front of the school principal as a thirteen-year-old.

Never laugh or smile when someone is aggravated. Although my intentions were pure, the caller probably got even more annoyed.

Lesson 2

“What would you like to talk about today? Would you like to explore the problem you’re facing or do you want to look for possible solutions?” I made one last feeble attempt to get us back on track so I can try to de-escalate her.

“I told you very clearly what my problem is at the beginning. I don’t know how else to explain this to you.” She was adamant to make me work for my volunteer hours.

“So are you living in a facility or your home?” I tried to steer her towards a positive zone and build a productive conversation.

“Isn’t it obvious where I live by what I said before? I said I hired my own nurses. Can I do that at a nursing home facility?” She wasn’t going to let me win.

“I’m sorry it wasn’t that obvious to me. So these helpers that you have..”

“My helpers?” It was her turn to laugh now. With a hint of sarcasm. 

Some people can be mean when they are escalated. But you have to remember that they are taking a dig at you so they can feel powerful. Meaning, they are feeling disempowered.

Lesson 3

I had confused my second language when ambushed by such venomous anger by using an abnormal word. “I’m sorry I haven’t been able to help you the way you wanted today. I suggest you call back and try to connect with someone else who may be able to help you better.” I finally let her go.

Sometimes, you’ve got to let them go. Take a timeout if you feel like you’re going in circles. Else, she might have seen me get edgier too.

Lesson 4

I held on for so long only because I felt she needed to let out some steam and there was no one else she could take it out on. Her ‘helpers’ would have left if she did. As a volunteer distress center responder looking to stretch my empathy muscle, it was my duty to give her chance after chance.

I hope she felt at least mildly better after the call. I did because I was able to remove my crown of ego and keep it beside me on my chair, even for the short ten minutes of this call.

You have to understand it’s not always about you. Most of the time, it’s not at all about you. People are always, always projecting themselves onto their surroundings. So, never take anything personally.

Lesson 5

I wonder why I can’t be this patient with my mother or my husband or someone closer to me. I plan to absorb the lessons from this encounter so I can extend my patient behavior to them as well.

Please share your thoughts on similar lessons on patience that you have learned in life.