A few years back, on a first date, one of my exes complained about his previous relationship. “She always compared me to other guys who made more money or drove better cars.”
“So, why didn’t you leave?” I asked. He had no response except for a nonchalant shrug.
Recently, I read a brown woman’s therapy Instagram post that said that brown women rarely leave relationships because we’re culturally conditioned to appease, fix, and be patient, all in the name of love. But my ex is merely a brown man.
However, unlike most brown women, my default is to leave now. Leave before they hurt me, leave first before they leave, leave before I become too invested. Perhaps growing up, I’ve seen too many women settle and decided never to settle, not for a job, not for friends, and certainly not for a man. As a coach, I’m well aware that leaving is how I cope and gain control of relationships.
When I broke up with this ex, I bolted in dysregulation. This is the breakup I’m most unproud of. Leaving was the right decision, but I could have jogged instead. There would have been less carnage that way.
But I wasn’t always a bolter. Before him, I stayed for one and a half decades. So, maybe I overcorrected with him, as we all do for good measure when we learn our lessons.
Maybe in my next relationship, I’ll know how long to stay. Or maybe I won’t have to leave at all. We’ll see.
