“From tiny experiences we build cathedrals.” ~ Orhan Pamuk
He always sat to my left, the devil’s side. As we were dining and watching a scary movie on his gray sofa, I realized that our legs were touching, continuing the buzz. I glanced at him and thought maybe, just maybe, he is the one. Needless to say, spoken too soon, promoted without testing for the right skillset, and no stress test in place.
Earlier that day, for the very first time in my life, I asked someone for what I wanted from them: more time with him. I had said, “I really like you and would like to see you once a week so I can get to know you quicker.” I meant every word. I did like him. Telling someone what I needed from them was new for me, especially doing so at the right time. With men before him, I would wait until my needs became volcanoes. Thanks to a relationship course I had taken on breaking the cycle, with him, I spoke up in about two and a half months, enough time to observe the pattern and confirm that it was indeed a pattern.
As we sat down on a bench to talk about this, I became a teen again. The teen who had to get permission from my parents to go to a friend’s birthday party or stay after school for some activity. If it was inconvenient for them or too far, they said no. Often, they said no because they were beaten up by life, work, parenthood, and an overall lack of rainbows and roses. Occasionally, a yes would come my way, too. But I never knew when that would be.
To my surprise, unlike my parents, he had said, “If you want to meet more, we can definitely do that. I like you a lot, too.” He then squeezed my thigh in affirmation. My inner teen felt safe and rushed onto the possibility of him being my cathedral. Finally.
I should have waited to see if he would keep his promise, even though he assured me multiple times that night. I should have waited, just waited a bit longer. Because sometimes, time is all we need to spot a pattern, even after asking for what we need and being promised what we want.
