Have you ever been on a call with a friend and decided halfway through that you’re never having a long conversation with them again? It’s somewhat like a writer knowing where the story ends but still writing it with as much integrity as possible.
I met this friend after high school when I was 18. We took an accounting certificate program together. We shared similar spiritual and philosophical ideas. We both took unconventional paths in life, with her living the single life and me becoming single after a divorce from an interracial marriage. We managed to call each other often enough, even though I’ve moved countries multiple times. It felt like we could go on like this for the rest of our lives until it didn’t in our 40s.
On this call, I felt the fog set in soon. The fog that took over my marriage when I didn’t feel heard or understood. The fog that rolled into my childhood when my parents didn’t understand me.
I tried to stop the fog, but I couldn’t. Because how can you yank someone out of their worldview just because you don’t have that worldview anymore? Immigration and life had changed my worldview irreversibly. I did not want to step back. I didn’t want the fog to blind me completely.
I have learned through my personal growth journey that being misunderstood is an emotional trigger for me. Understanding is something I absolutely need to feel psychologically safe. So, staying in misunderstood containers is nothing but a betrayal of myself.
Can’t two friends have disagreements? Of course, they can, but the question is how different are the two worldviews and how opposing are the value systems. If the values are polar opposite, understanding of where the other person is coming from is possible, but not the knee-deep, heartful feeling of being understood.
And they say that you become the average of the five people you spend the most time with. When we clear certain layers of soul growth, longtime friends who don’t move with us, at least halfway, will succumb to distance. Distance is the medicine that soothes the soul. I don’t believe there is another way.
However, distance doesn’t mean the absence of care or love. It doesn’t mean not being there when they really need us. Distance is simply less time spent together, and looking back on our memories with fond affection and teary eyes. I’ll always love you from afar, my dear friend, who once understood me like no other.
