Former Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau and Katy Perry posted Instagram pictures of attending Coachella in April 2026. They seem to have found their people, like honey and lemon or pastry and cheese. They also seem to share some features, and an astrologist or psychic once described them as past loves from another realm.
As a divorced ex myself, I wonder where this leaves Mr. Trudeau’s ex-wife, Sophie Trudeau, mother of his three kids. When the very first public pictures of the new celebrity couple emerged in the thirsty public eye, she posted a cryptic message about love or grief or something like that.
Is there an agreed-upon method for how ex-partners should move on, especially long-term couples or married ones? Who should date first, and how should they communicate this to the other ex, then to relatives, friends, and others? If one partner’s explicit “mistake” drove the breakup, should they wait until the other finds a long-term partner first? Who knows? If there is no rulebook for life, there’s definitely none for the decorum of how exes should move on.
Then, there’s also the hairy subject of mutual friends and mutual groups. Since my ex-husband and I had been together for over a decade, and because we had worked and studied together at the same institutions, we had a lot of these. Even after five years since our official divorce, we’re still working this area out. It’s even more complicated because we remained friends and told everyone that we were “cool” with each other.
One might assume that the correct rule for dividing mutual friends is that the one who made the initial contact would get to keep the mutual friends. For example, if I introduced my ex to a friend I went to high school with and then that grew into a friend group by adding others, these would be my friends.
But this is not how things work. It depends on which spouse’s vibe matches the group best or which spouse shares a lifestyle with the rest of the group. One of my divorced friends once told me that her friend picked her ex-husband because both husbands were closer friends. When couples become friends with other couples, and one couple dies, the emerging faultlines demarcate the stronger friendships.
As with most things in life, I don’t regret much about my marriage. It was beautiful and sad, supportive and challenging, healing and triggering, black and white turning into gray. It turned out just as it had to. I’m better for all of its gifts.
What I do regret is telling mutual friends that we will remain friends with each other, because with that, we were expected to attend all events as if nothing had changed. Someone I considered as my friend even took things further by trying to set up my ex with her friend while we were all part of the same mutual friend group (this last one still stings a bit).
To be fair to mutual friends, they don’t have a rulebook either. We’re all muddling through, making the best decisions we can. But one person’s best decision might be the other’s worst possible decision.
I’m not pleased with how my ex has handled some mutual friends, either. But then again, we split up because we were plagued with irreparable incompatibilities. So, how can I expect my ex to manage mutual friends or date new partners in ways that I find loyal and respectful to me? It’s one of the most ridiculous expectations I’ve ever had (I’ve had many in my time), like anticipating a ray of sunlight in the thick of the night or wanting to find at least one sweet molecule in the salt jar.
But no more of this ridiculousness for me.
None for you, too.
