None of us wants to admit that we had imperfect childhoods, unless it’s absolutely undeniable. But the power of looking imperfection in the eye and charging towards it is the first step of healing. Only after that can we contextualize our childhoods and accept the imperfection, even forgive it where possible.
When people tell me their childhoods were happy enough, I have a go-to question: “Whom did you go to and confess when you made a big mistake as a child?” Because happiness in childhood is equal to unconditional psychological safety. This question sometimes gets people to see that they really didn’t have a safe anchor growing up. But other times, they tell me they went to X or Y, generally, their favorite parent. A parent I know is the enabler for their other parent. But I keep quiet. After giving much more unsolicited advice than I’d like to admit, I’ve learned over the years that qualms between parents and children are strictly their business.
We all need anchors, places that we can go back to that will hold us steady amid the debris of life. One internal anchor (self-generated), one external (other-generated), and one spiritual (higher-generated). The internal and spiritual anchors take time to develop. But having an external anchor, especially in childhood, can help make up for the other two temporarily. So, even as adults, this question is an important one: Whom do you go to when you’re in a mess? This has to be someone who will only tell you “I told you so” after they help you climb out of the dark hole.
For me, this is (still) my ex-husband, who has known me for about 20 years since my early 20s, and with whom I have a platonic relationship now. I called him when I got into a draining business deal and wanted to get out of it. I called him when I hired a business coach, who I thought was useless over time. He offered me five grand when I couldn’t pay my mortgage. It was also him that I called when I couldn’t decide between two rental units and was trying to convince myself to go for a unit that didn’t light me up.
When someone knows your habits and needs well, even if they weren’t able to fully provide for those needs due to various circumstances, they can see the truth for you, even when your logical mind is trying to convince you otherwise. It also helps that my current decisions have no impact on him whatsoever, so he does not need to unconsciously project his fears on me now, something that is common between romantic partners.
I don’t know if he will be my anchor for the rest of my life. Most likely not, as we both find other partners and settle down. But he will always be my first significant anchor.
